13 December, 2005

About face

Walking through the gates at work today, I was momentarily thrown by a comment from the security guard on duty:

"Cheer up son, it'll soon be 5.30!"

Which was true enough, except I wasn't aware I was frowning, or scowling, or pulling any kind of disagreeable face whatsoever. It's correct I never enjoy having to walk through those gates every morning, but not to the extent of making me screw up my face with rage.

Do my features naturally settle into a frown when I'm going about my business? On this evidence it seems they do. This state of affairs dismays me, as I always thought I was quite good at hiding my feelings on the inside while being quite adept at adopting a mask of indifference on the outside. Perhaps not. I remember my mum once telling me the only time she'd seen me smile was when I was asleep. I glibly replied that was because that was the only time I was happy.

I'm not sure what I should do. If I marched into work tomorrow sporting a big grin, the security guard would tell me to take that stupid look off my face. If I tried even harder not to frown, I'd undoubtedly just appear insincere. Maybe I should just avert my eyes and look at the ground. At least that doesn't answer back.


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